Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Road Vultures

Have you seen the Red Cross sticker that doctors usually sport on their vehicles, so that they can be flagged down in case of an emergency on the road? My new mallu neighbor, who has just completed his studies and got a job, also has a similar sticker on his car. It is a smart sticker proclaiming his professions as - you won’t believe this - “LAWYER”!

Neat isn’t it?

Now if you have a legal emergency on the roads, all you need to look out for is a car with a “Lawyer” sticker and flag it down for Legal First Aid.

Person: Sir, There has been a terrible incident.
Lawyer (taking out his notebook): Tell me what happened my man!
Person: I was parking my car into this slot when this man beat me to it.
Lawyer: That is not fair!
Person: And then he stuck his tongue out at me and said naah naah naah!
Lawyer (writing furiously): This is despicable and unacceptable!!
Person: Then he laughed at me and called me “Slow Joe” *sob*
Lawyer (tearing the page): Atrocious!! Here take this note and rush yourself to my office. We will teach that bugger a lesson in no time at all.
Person: Oh My God!! This note says Lawyer charges is Rs 10,000/- :-O
Lawyer: That’s after discount my friend. I am in a good mood today.
Person: *swoon* *thud*
Lawyer: Ambulance!!

This is my last post for this year. Thanks for your patience and for dropping by to read my demented rants. Wishing you all a very Happy New Year 2010!! Have a blast this weekend and pray that I do not become yet another statistic in Goa! :)

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas in Achayanland!

Its Christmas time dearies. The hills and rubber estates are alive with the sound of chopping, cutting, whisking, tasting, cursing and vice versa, plus the aromas of much cooking happening. Achayanland is a very happening place now! You have to just walk by homes to predict exactly what they are going to have for Christmas lunch.

Susan: Gasp, the Pallikunnels are having Pepper Liver Fry for Christmas lunch!
Mother in law: #$#%@% didn’t I tell you to buy liver you %$#@ woman!!!
Susan: *Sob* I am going to the market right now ammachi!

Markets are groaning under the invasion of ladies who have just discovered what their neighbors are making for Christmas.

Mary: Hello Jincy, What brings you to the market today?
Jincy: Chumma, I just came for a breath of fresh air.
Mary (covering her nose to avoid the horrible stench of the fish market): Me too!
Jincy: I see that you have bought Quails!
Mary: Damn!!! Err… yes and those Prawns in your bag look very fresh!
Jincy: Damn! I should have covered them, I mean yes, and they are very fresh, but you never know. It may be rotten also!
Mary: Sure, sure and that is why you bought them I suppose. To help the poor fish fellow get rid of the rotten Prawns.
Jincy (sarcastically): Yes, it is Christmas no! Time to help our fellow human beings!
Mary: Hmmph! I gotta go now. Got loads of work at home!
Jincy: Same here. Bye
Mary: Ahem… the way to your home is this way no? Then why are you going towards the Quail shop?
Jincy: I feel like a nice long walk that’s why!
Mary: And I so believe it!
Jincy: What did you say!
Mary (hastily): I said bye.

Mary and Jincy will then be seen frantically shopping for Prawns and Quails after this exchange.

Achayan families are of the belief that Christmas is a time of cooking and cooking and cooking till there is nothing left to cook.

Aunt: And what is left to cook now?
Another Aunt: I think we have covered every animal and edible living things.
Aunt: There must be something we have left out!
Another Aunt: You are right. I am getting that feeling to. Tomorrow at lunch time I will remember and that would be so embarrassing no?
Aunt: I hope such fate never befalls even our enemies!
Another Aunt: *shudder* Amen!

And that’s when we the kids run way from home. Kidding folks. We are too scared to run away. You don’t mess with dem achayathis. They are formidable ladies. Last time a guest ran out of the house in panic he had the hostess in hot pursuit balancing a plate of achappam and cake on one hand and some chicken stew and some idiappams on another.

What really happens at the lunch table after the above mentioned exchange is this:

Uncle: This beef fry is quite nice!
Aunt (evenly): That’s Brinjal dry fry!
Uncle: This fish curry is pretty good!
Aunt: That is not Fish. It is mutton…sniff!

Then there is total silence at the table.

The true spirit of Christmas is buried beneath mounds of food in Achayanland and we are yet to discover it. Perhaps, we will one day, when we have stopped eating our way to heaven/hell. And it is the reason I feel that the Church invented Advent (a sort of pre Christmas upwaas).

First Pope: We need to invent an event that will put dem Achayan out of the business of feeding.
Saint Austerity: How about a period of fasting and abstinence before Christmas your eminence?
Pope: What a wonderful idea!! Let them fast for six months before Christmas!!!
Saint Austerity: Err your holiness; we are talking of achayans here. You know the incorrigible race even God regrets creating!
Pope: Sigh, okay make it two months then.
Saint Austerity: Won’t work dude!
Pope (irritably): Okay okay, make it a couple of weeks then.
Saint Austerity (bowing deeply): Will do your eminence!
Pope: And most importantly…
Saint Austerity: Yes?
Pope: You call me ‘dude’ one more time and I will whip your holy a**e to hell!!!
Saint Austerity: Gulp, yes your eminence!

If Christmas lunch is not enough, we have post Christmas family visits to further endanger the bursting walls of our intestines. But by now, we have become experts in managing this. The moment we see the lady of the house walking in with a groaning tray, we whip out our Microtome knives, slice a piece of cake the thicknesses of 10 to 100 ┬Ám and exclaim “Delicious Aunty! This is so tasty that I will let the taste linger by not taking another bite of anything else you offer me.”

And then we haul our sorry selves back to Bangalore vowing never to eat another morsel of food till next Christmas. And that is the true Advent folks. The Church got it all wrong, or didn’t they? :-S You never know with them devious Priests!

p.s. if you need to verify if someone is a true blue achayan, ask him for the definition of Christmas. A true blue achayan will never get it right!

MERRY CHRISTMAS DEAR FRIENDS! May we discover the true spirit of Christmas. By we, I mean my people! :p

Monday, December 21, 2009

Gullible's travails

“Hey!! There is a Facebook community called Incorrigibly Good Looking Mallus” said my friend excitedly!

“Yawn, so what else is new”, I remarked listlessly, the tiredness of the busiest year of my life, pinning me down to the couch.

Dekh na” insisted this Gujju Mallu gal. “Let us do some vayinokking (ogling) yaar.”

“Not interested” I said, turning to the other side and promptly falling asleep. The other two girls in the room did not take their eyes off the TV.

There was peace for an hour or so, and then I was brutally woken up by friend shaking me violently. Her eyes were wide and she looked like she had seen a ghost.

“You won’t believe what I found.” she said cupping her hand to her mouth.

“What!!!” I asked, sitting up straight, sensing something to be terribly wrong. The other two girls left the TV in alarm and were also looking at friend with questioning eyes.

Friend was looking at the members list on the community.

“What happened for god’s sake!” I shouted. Perhaps someone had cut and pasted her photo or maybe somebody else’s we knew. Panic gripped me. We have had experiences of the same in the past.

Friend tore her eyes from the laptop monitor, looked at us with extreme distress and moaned…

Everyone here is so ugly!”

We chased her around the house with a rolling pin. Grown up girls who fall for such bullshit need an ar** whooping.

And by jove she got one!!

We are hoping that we have ushered in a much wiser individual into the New Year.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Wardrobe woes

It is that time of the year folks, when I look at the calendar and say “Holy crap I have no clothes to wear!!!” Then I empty the old clothes from the cupboard, pack them into neat bundles, number them from one to 47 and consult my phone directory. First call is to teen cousins of small build like me.

Cousin: Holy cow!! Is it time to clear your cupboard again??
Me: I am fine, thank you dear! And how are you?
Cousin: I do not want your tops.
Me: And how is your mother?
Cousin: I don’t care if they are as good as new.
Me: And your Dad?
Cousin: And I do not want your jeans either.
Me: And your cute little brother?
Cousin: And your shoes, hand bags, belts and other accessories.
Me: And your cat?
Cousin: And for the 255th time, I do not want your clothes. I am a teenager for god’s sake. I will be ostracized by my community if I wear clothes that you “oldies” in twenties wear!
Me: Damn these kids!

Next bakra is friends and acquaintances.

Friend: I get a call from you! Let me guess, you are trying to offload your clothes onto me.
Me: *sob* I was just checking up on you.
Friend: I am fine, if that is what you are worried about.
Me: That’s a relief! Last time I talked to you, you had a nasty sinusitis.
Friend: Naah! I never had sinusitis!
Me: Then it was a cough I think.
Friend: Naah!
Me: Cold?
Friend: Naah!
Me: Knee pain?
Friend: Naah!
Me: Ulcer?
Friend: Nopes!
Me: Fever?
Friend: Yes…but…
Me: Then you will luvvvv the warm tees that I have.
Friend: Sigh…I should have seen that coming!

Next lucky recipient is the nice little nun who runs an orphanage for girls.

Sister: Hi Anjali. No I do not want clothes. Bye! *Slam.*
Me (calling her again): Ahem…Sister, I called to wish you Merry Christmas!
Sister: Thank you! *Slam*
Me (calling her again): Your calls are getting cut sister. You must change to a better provider.
Sister: Look here dear. Here is the deal!
Me (hopefully): Yes?
Sister: I have four truckloads of clothes, another three of shoes and another six trucks of bed sheets, and other stuff parked in my yard. Help me get rid of them and I will take you clothes!
Me: *SLAM!!!*

After that I do what I should have done in the first place….i.e…call my maid. I watch with an ache in my heart as she carts away my clothes to distribute in her neighborhood and swear for the 45679th time, that I will not to buy too many expensive clothes. Then I feel so happy to see my empty cupboard that I go down on my knees, give thanks to almighty God and go shopping.

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Soap opera

Gone are the days, when you rushed to malls and supermarkets during festival season to grab those super bargains. Take one get two free, purchase goods worth a thousand rupees and get a kilo sugar free etc. were the deals that attracted shoppers by the drove. Nowadays the supermarkets are always having some kind of offers or the other. The soap manufacturers seem to be the most prolific lot when it comes to giving freebies to their customers. Here are some of the year long offers that adorn Bangalore's supermarket shelves.

25% soap free. No extra charges – This does not mean that the manufacturer is in a generous mood. This usually means that he has to get rid of the excess soap mixture in his plant and trying to pass it off as washing liquid in Angola was unsuccessful.

Buy one get one free – This means, the manufacturer is over his head with unsold soap. There is soap every where. If he doesn't get rid of it, he will have to close down his factory and make it a temporary warehouse for the soap!

Buy a talcum powder and get a soap free - Manufacturer is undaunted by your disinterest. He is going to offload the soap onto you one way or the other, whether you like it or not.

Buy soap and get a talcum powder free - Talcum powder manufacturer is onto his game and wants his share of the moolah to get rid of his soap.

Buy a pack of six and pay for five - This usually means that above plans were a dismal failure and he got caught trying to dump soap into the sea and is now paying hafta to the SI of the cute little police station near the sea.

Buy a pack of soap and win a vacation – No takers for the soap yet and manufacturer is at his wits end. He tried to give it free to impoverished nations in Africa, who threw it right back at him. He is now dumping soap in landfills to escape warehouse charges.

Buy a pack of six soaps and get a chance to win a date with a celebrity – Manufacturer has done some quick calculations and realized that spending 50 K on a dinner is better then paying fines for polluting the environment in Uganda, Ghana and Botswana.

And then there are offers on fruit juices and sodas too. Now don’t get me started on those!

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Unhealthy musings...

Why are things that are bad for you so delicious...and so addictive? Ever heard of someone getting addicted to veggies, skimmed milk, lean meat, fatless cakes, wheat grass juice and exercise?

At a de-addiction clinic:

Inmate: What are you in here for?
Othe inmate: I am addicted to Whole Wheat bread. And you?
Inmate: That’s must be tough!! I am here for a spinach addiction!
Othe inmate: Ouch! My neighbor has just got back from a detoxification treatment at this swanky clinic.
Inmate: What was his problem?
Other inmate: OD’ed on steamed veggies!
Inmate: Tch tch poor guy! Hope he is alright.
Other inmate: He is, but doctors say he will have to keep off steamed veggies if he wants to live.

Life is definitely unfair.

Advance wishes for a great weekend folks. Knock yourself out senseless with some boiled water. Don’t overdo it please. I will miss you.