Sunday, February 22, 2009

Modern day Sindbads!

Jose my cousin brother was a distraught man. He looked haggard, his face drawn and white and unshaven. He had that hunted look on his face of people being chased by Bank Collectors. Well… I don’t know how such people look but I am guessing here. Don’t be so judgmental now! Jose dropped in home for the weekend and my mom gasped when she saw her favorite nephew looking a shadow of his former self. After she had tidied him up and fed him and fussed over him, we heard Jose’s dukh bhari kahani.

Jose lives in a one room apartment in Chennai. He was a direct placement from an Engineering college into one of the IT companies there. One fine day, he got a call from his long forgotten Kindergarten buddy. Buddy, lets call him Thomas, was trying desperately to get in touch with him.

Thomas: Are you Jose from St. Josephs School?
Jose: No!
Thomas: From St. Xavier’s?
Jose: No!
Thomas: St. Aloysius perhaps?
Jose: No, Rajagiri actually!
Thomas: Ah! Then you are the Jose I am looking for. I was your classmate in Kindergarten you know.
Jose: hmmm I don’t remember any Thomas in my class.
Thomas: A class in a Kerala school without a Thomas? LOL!!! Not possible!
Jose: What do you want?
Thomas: Well…my younger brother is coming to Chennai for his first job. He needs accommodation for a few days till he finds his own. It will be just a few days!
Jose: hmm I …
Thomas: It’s settled then. Tinto will be there in some time. Bye
Jose: But…
Thomas: *SLAM*

Next minute there as a knock on the door. When Jose opened the door a two hundred pounder of a guy walked in with his luggage and deposited the same on the floor with a thud, before collapsing on the sofa.

Tinto: Endhoru choodu! (It is very hot)
Jose: Hi!
Tinto: Please put on the fan!
Jose: err yes! Sure!
Tinto: *phew*

Late in the evening as Jose made dinner, Tinto woke up from his siesta and lumbered into the tiny kitchen,

Tinto: Cheta, what are you cooking?
Jose: Rice and Sambhar!
Tinto: Have you any beef in the house?
Jose: I think there is some in the fridge!
Tinto: Would you like some Beef Fry to go with that rice?
Jose (brightening up): Yes!! I would love some!!
Tinto: Great! Make it spicy okay? I love my Beef Fry spicy!

Later in the night when Jose was cleaning up after a dinner of Rice, Sambhar and Beef Fry, Tinto walked in.

Tinto: Cheta where do I sleep?
Jose: I have an extra mattress and…
Tinto: Great! Nice of you to sleep on the mattress.
Jose: But…
Tinto: Good Night!

Much later in the night as poor Jose tossed and turned on the mattress on the floor, Tinto got up and woke him up from his misery!

Tinto: Cheta are you feeling hot?
Jose: Not particularly!
Tinto: Then I guess you wouldn’t mind putting off the fan!
Jose: But…
Tinto: Thanks!

Jose tossed and turned and when it became unbearably hot, went to the verandah and lay down, where he slept, swatted mosquitoes covered himself with blanket and fanned himself with a newspaper (not necessarily in that order he says). Around 2 am Tinto woke him up again from the miserable routine.

Cheta I think I hear a burglar” he said in a fearful whisper. “That’s just the neighbor’s pet monkey” reassured Jose snuggling into the sheet. “No, I swear I saw him jumping to our roof” said Tinto whispering hoarsely. Jose sighed and went out groggily to tell Kannan to stop jumping on the roof and be a good boy when out of the blue a stick ran blows on his back. Not to be outdone Jose lunged at the attacker with the choicest Kung Fu and Karate moves he had seen on TV. A fierce battle ensured with neither the attacker nor Jose really sure what they were fighting for, as the attacker spoke Tamil and Jose is yet to learn Tamil. By the time the neighbors had separated the two, it was dawn and Jose and his landlord beheld each other in absolute disbelief.

By now the landlord was pretty sure that it was Jose who comes sneaking in the night to see his daughter and asked him to move out. Jose cannot imagine ANYONE leave alone himself, running after the landlord’s daughter who looks like an obese Hippopotamus with a cleft palate.

Tinto was then invited to take over as tenant and Jose found another place to live. Peace was restored in Jose’s life or so he thought when the phone rang. It was Tinto.

Jose is back to sleeping on the floor on the mattress while Tinto occupies the bed. There is no Kannan in this house. But the landlord’s has a son called Karthik and a cat called Kummi.

To cut a rather long story short, Tinto has been asked by the landlord to take over the house

And Jose is looking for another house.

( p.s a certain gentleman and his three children have been warned of dire consequences if they so much as smile at someone's nephews plight. For comic relief they use the garden. Which reminds me I need to go to the garden urgently now. Have a nice week folks!)

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Cultural Shock!

video
( Video courtesy Youtube)

Dedicating this song to the most eligible man in Karnataka. Happy Valentines Day sweetheart!! *muah*

A Valentine Day anecdote... 'reengineered' and served for the above mentioned gent and his cultural studs!

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm.The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning.

The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his kurta.

She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a bharathiya naari before you die. Are you interested?"

Eagerly, she shakes her head, "Yes!"

And the man thrashes her to pulp!

Now chew on that in jail! ;)

Have a nice weekend folks. I am off to join the pub bharo andolan!

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Stupid cupid!

“Anjali, I need to talk to you” said Shobha in a woebegone tone. “It’s about Arun” she said her eyes misting. “I think he is cheating on me!”

Alarm bells started ringing stridently in my head. Previous outcomes of interceding in colleague’s love-lives and its disastrous consequences flashed before my eyes for some time in a rather long flash presentation.

“I am sorry I cannot help you” I said abruptly, walking away from her. Every time I advised some gal, I ended up becoming the villain of the piece after BF and GF kissed and made up.

BF: I cannot believe that you called me a double crosser Anita *sniff*
GF: But…
BF: I was only giving that girl a lift home you know!
GF (looking ashamed): I am sorry!
BF: And her kissing me goodnight was umm her way of saying good night in her err Rajput tradition!!
GF: Really?
BF: Yes!! And sliding her hands inside my shirt is a sign of respect amongst Bengalis you know!!
GF: But…
BF (quickly): Her mom is Bengali you see!
GF: Oh!!
BF: Yet you suspected me! *sob*
GF (defensively): It was Anjali who said that you were lying!

*TWAAAANNNNNG*

Here the jarring note folks? That’s yours truly! I am ashamed to admit that I have been a jarring note in many a people’s love life due to my [quote] suspicious and distrustful nature laced with jealousy due to my single status [unquote]!! Sigh!

So some time back, I took a firm resolution dear friends that I would stop putting two and two together and coming up with 22 or worse… 222!! Full of good intentions I went to give the good news to my best buddy in office, Srividya.

Me: Sri! From now on I will not jump to conclusions and create problems in people’s lives!
Sri: Yeah sure!
Me: Really!!! Please believe me!
Sri: Let’s see.
Me: See, the other day I saw Arun and that Sowmya from HP in his car and I knew there was a prefect explanation to that!
Sri: Really?
Me: Yes! I am sure he saw her on the road and decided to give her a lift!!
Sri: Good girl!
Me: And you know what? When I saw her sitting on his lap, I knew that there was a perfectly normal explanation to that too!!!
Sri: What!
Me: He had a sudden attack of amnesia and forgot driving and she had to take over the steering!!! Simple!
Sri: err
Me: And you know what! The poor guy was so demoralized by the episode and that she had to whisper words of encouragement into his ears!!
Sri: Aiyyo!
Me: And her running her hand through his hair...that must be to rejuvenate his memory I am sure!
Sri: WTF!!! How long has this been going on?
Me: Around six months. I guess this must a severe case of Amnesia.
Sri: *gasp*
Me: And guess what? I saw them coming out of the Registrars office the other day! I am sure they had gone to give witness to someone’s marriage!
Sri: Katavule!
Me: Yes! And you know what! I am sure there is a perfect explanation to Sowmya’s growing tummy too!
Sri: Oh my f***g gawd!!! When did that happen!!!
Me: Oh a month back! I am sure she must be suffering from flatulence!
Sri: Jesus Christ!!!
Me: Aren’t you proud of me!
Sri: *choicest Tamil epithets*
Me (breathlessly): And guess what! Arun proposed to Shobha and she accepted!!! I am so happy!
Sri: *swoon* *thud*

Sri wouldn't talk to me for sometime after that. But I am sure there was a perfect explanation for that too folks...temporary paralysis of the vocal chords!

Have a nice week folks and Happy Valentines Day on the 14th!!!

Monday, February 02, 2009

In the line of ire

A Prominent Journalist (PJ) working for a television news channel owned by a bearded man has just sued one of our own dear friends for - you wont believe it- voicing his opinion in his personal blog! The PJ feels that just because a person has a blog, does not mean he should write what he feels. "He can always post pictures!!" she exclaimed animatedly. The bearded man nodded in agreement. According to the PJ “only Journalists should be allowed to voice or pen down their opinion. The others should just shut up and listen…preferably to Yen Dee TV.” Boogle, the company that owns Flog Spot were not available for comment but a company spokesperson confirmed that Registration of Flogs have almost tripled overnight. So peoples we all have to very careful about what we put in our blogs and must not in any ways pointedly write about anyone or anything unless our name rhymes with Murk Ha Butt.

Anyways lets leave that aside and concentrate on the post of the week. This week I thought I will bring you a round up of news from around the country and the world, unlike the jabber I usually put in here. This post I hope will open your eyes to the possibilities err I mean to the happenings around us.

1. The war in Hiri Panka has considerably increased the temperature of Jennai a city in Manil Padu. Lawyers in this city have decided to go on a rampage to protest the Hindian government’s heinous policy of non interference in another country’s internal affairs. "This is irresponsible and violates every principles of justice" said the lawyers in righteous anger.

2. The Chief Election Commissioner Mr Comepalaswamy has asked the government to remove Mr Davin Pawla from the post of Election Commissioner. The government has given the suggestion due consideration and thrown it in the nearest dust bin.

3. Meanwhile Tackistan is expected to communicate the results of its investigations into the Hindian Governments investigations into the 27/12 attack in Tumbai. Right now they are weighing their words. It is rumored that they are rather heavy!

4. In a news that gladdened the cockles of this reporters heart, Asatyam Computers, informed it employees that their salaries had been credited to their bank accounts. Personally this reporter feels that the employees should get together and whip the tainted a*** of their ex CEO Mr Kaju Kamalingam for endangering the company without a thought to the future of the thousands of people it employs directly and indirectly, not to mention the beating it gave to the credibility of Hindian companies!

5. Hindia is considering tightening rules as more and more Mangladeshis are found to be overstaying their welcome in the country. The Home Ministry has asked for suggestions from the External Affairs ministry on how to ensure that visitor from the country do not overstay. A ministry official said under conditions of anonymity "As if we have a clue LOL!!!" He was seen ROFL after the statement.

6. The scion of the Bandhi family, Mr Bahul Bandhi has said that speaking from personal experience he can confidently say that the VeeJayPea’s plot to divide and rule the country will not work. The VeeJayPea leadership have refused to comment on the same but it is learnt that an inquiry has been ordered into the leakage of classified information from the party office.

7. A new Follywood film will give viewers a ring side view of the industry says a news report. The script will of course be contrived like most Follywood scripts. “If viewers want the reality, they should join Follywood” chuckled Mr Yarnwala a Follywood scriptwriter. Then he dissolved into laughter giving his 400 pound frame a much needed workout.

8. And finally news from the sporting arena. The Eye See See has withdrawn the Champs Trophy from Tackistan citing security concerns. However the Eye See See has assured Tackistan that it will ensure that international cricket is played in the country provided the venue of the match is outside Tackistan.


This news report post was bought to you by Cilverine the alter ego of Silverine who has err retired from blogging...for now.