Sunday, September 16, 2007

FAQ’s about Kerala

With the spread of IT after the overspill in Bangalore, we now find people heading out to places like Kochi, Mangalore, Pune and Jhumri Thalaiyya etc to work in the Technoparks that are mushrooming there rapidly. Therefore I am often confronted by questions about Kerala by people who are relocating there. I have compiled some of the questions that I am usually asked so that people can use this as a travel advisory.

Q. Where is Kerala?
A. It is in South India.

Q. Where is South India?
A. Near Chennai.

Q. What is Chennai?
A. Never mind.

Q. How do I reach Kerala?
A. Kerala is connected to the rest of the country by Rail, Air and Sea routes.
Q. Do I need to take a visa?
A. No, but a copy of “Das Kapital” will make your stay more comfortable.
Q. What is Das Kapital?
A. Never mind.

Q. That was very rude.
A. I know. Next question please!!!!!

Q. I have heard that Kerala is full of mosquitoes.
A. %$^#& who told you so?
Q. errr…never mind.


Q. What do people in Kerala eat?
A. Rice and vegetables and some meat. But mostly they drink.
Q. Really???
A. What did you $%#& think?
Q. err…nothing!

Q. What do people in Kerala drink?
A. Water….sometimes neat but mostly diluted with Whisky, Brandy, Rum etc.
Q. Oh!
A: What did you mean by “oh”?
Q: *gulp* I swear I wasn’t thinking anything!!!


Q. And what do people of Kerala wear?
A. Clothes!
Q. Really? Err… I mean that sounds great.

Q. What kind of people are Keralites?
A. Most of them are human, the rest are communists.

Q. Who is the Chief Minister of Kerala?
Q. Wait let me try and answer that!
A. Ok!
Q. Ratnasiri Wickremanayake
A. hmm close
Q. Lawrence Gonzi!!!!
A. You are getting hot!
Q. Mohan Lal!!
A. Bravo!!!!
Q. You are making fun of me aren’t you?
A. Yes!


Q. I am not talking to you!
A. Great. See ya!

Q. I have one last question
A. Shoot!!
Q. Are all Keralites like you?
A. What do you mean, “like you”.
Q. I mean rude and sarcastic!
A. No, I am an exception.
Q. Thank god!!

Q. One last favor.
A: hmmm!
Q. Will you teach me some Malayalam?
Q: *GRIN* But of course!!! It will be my pleasure totally.

Please note: Kerala can be replaced with Maharashtra, West Bengal, Nagaland etc for morons like these who cannot see beyond their hometown and the main metropolises.

51 comments:

~==[[[ Abhi ]]]==~ said...

Nice take on kerala! Loved the question abt Kerala CM and also the 1 on Official drink of Kerala. You simply take my mind away from all the grim facts,like india losing such a close match :(

Hope no1 asked u to teach them mallu after that PM of urs!

Alexis said...

ROFL.. You are impossible. Super post

mathew said...

Kerala is a huge republic consisting of mainland India and having territories in middle-east,singapore,US and UK.No one underestimate the people OKay!!

Simply superb post..just wanted the questions to continue.. :-)

What is the difference between the japanese industry and Kerala industry?

Japanese companies make 1 defective part per million.
Kerala companies dont make any parts and call for a strike to avoid any defects..

busted lighthouse said...

hahahah
i've had ppl asking me the same about b'lore as well. (is it a metropolis?)
couldnt manage anything quite as funny as this though ROTFL

u ever had ppl asking u about the traffic jams and bad roads in kerala? like they know of a magical place somewhere in india which doesnt have traffic jams or bad roads

Abhay said...

a northie : where do u live?
me : hyderabad
northie : ohh, its close to chennai right?
me : no
northie : ahh, i know its somewhere down there in tamil nadu.
me : :O :O

Annie said...

ROTFLMAO!!!!

പെരിങ്ങോടന്‍ said...

ഓഫീസിലിരുന്നു ബ്ലോഗ് വായിക്കരുത്. ചിരിച്ചാല്‍ പണി പോകും.

Q. What do people in Kerala drink?
A. Water….sometimes neat but mostly diluted with Whisky, Brandy, Rum etc.

ഇത് വായിച്ച് കരഞ്ഞുപോയി ;) ഉഷാ ഉതുപ്പിനെ പോലെ പാടാന്‍ തോന്നുന്നു: എന്റെ കേരളം എത്ര സുന്ദരം!

Santoz said...

LOL !!! Water... and we have it neat :-)

Me and of my Mallu friend were having a drink at my house once, He filled his glass with Rum, and put three large ice cubes in it

Me: Water ?
He : Staring loong at the glass, hmmm there is some place in the glass, the ice will become water in some time ; Let me add some more RUM :-) ;-)

You should have had some snippet on the famed Mallllu accent too.

nice reading as it can be :-)

Santoz.

Nikhil Narayanan said...

Hi
Please let ppl like me work at work!!! huh!!! :D
Im serious!!! be considerate to ppl :D

crumbs said...

tee hee hee!
is it ok if i take a print out of this post and give it out as a handout for all the northie jerks who keep aasking such profound questions??pretty please? :D
and oh, ask any northie worth his salt what kind of people are Keralites, and nine out of ten will say "Madrasies" :-/

Harish said...

'Q. What kind of people are Keralites?
A. Most of them are human, the rest are communists.'

Loved this one.

Anonymous said...

Came via Desi Pundit. Hilarious...:D

Prashanth M said...

hilarious stuff!! ROTFLMAO...

jithesh said...

"Most of them are human, the rest are communists". How rude ;-)

Its really a pity that many people living in the north of vindhyas think that KERAL is a country that is situated in a continent called madras.I think you should really insist on the visa rather than das capital:-)

Vinod Khare said...

Sometimes these questions are really very innocent. I mean, how do you expect north indian to just know these things? We don't learn these things in our mothers' wombs. We have to ask. I have asked these questions to a lot of my southie friends and we have had a lot of fun times discussing the differences.

silverine said...

Abhi: Thank you :)

Alexis: Thank you!! :p

Mathew:LOL!!

busted lighthouse: Very true! :)

abhay: Precisely. We have all studied the same Geography.

Annie: ;)

Raj: That last statement is so true :P

santoz: lol!! So very 'mellu' :p

nikhil: Thanks da :)

crumbs: Well...this post was not about northies, but if you want to take a printout make sure you include the footnote too :)

harish: Thanks and thanks for the comment on the previous post too :)

Anon: Thank you :)

Prashanth: Thanks buddy :)

Jithesh: "I think you should really insist on the visa rather than das capital" That was so funny!!! :))

Vinod Khare: This was not a post flaming anyone. Please see the footnote. However some people desperately need to develop an interest in the "other parts" of the country too :)

Adorable Pancreas said...

Awesome!

doubtinggaurav said...

"northie jerks"

Hmmm, I can feel the love....

Goyal said...

Hey,

Hilarious.

One request though. Could you please turn on full feeds. Partial ones suck.

Bullshee said...

Ooooooooh!! The communist joke was a low blow!!!

Wicked bourgoise!!! ;)

SP said...

I know the feeling :-)

Have you switched off your mobile? Been trying since morning.

Fleiger said...

Hmm... Well, Pune is well known for sarcastic (read sardonic) people so that even other Maharashtrians fear to tread. So I can sympathize how irritating it is to answer such Q's ;)

Amrita said...

ROTFLMAO!!! You're hilarious! But I have to disagree on the sarcastic bit - I think Malls are round about the only large group of Indians who truly understand the power of sarcasm. Look at Mallu movies, they use it to such fantastic effect. Or used to anyway. It's been a while since I saw any :(

Iyer Education said...

awesome.. ROFL...

btw, who was the questioner and who was the answeree?

the rain tree said...

ma god....what a substance??

Q. Who is the Chief Minister of Kerala?
Q. Wait let me try and answer that!
A. Ok!
Q. Ratnasiri Wickremanayake
A. hmm close
Q. Lawrence Gonzi!!!!
A. You are getting hot!
Q. Mohan Lal!!
A. Bravo!!!!
Q. You are making fun of me aren’t you?
A. Yes!

loved this one :)

ഫ്രാന്‍‍സിയര്‍ said...

OMG the mallu mind set is a mixture of Kashayam,Rum,Cocacola and contaminated water.Mia culpa Mia culpa mia maxima culpa....

Kusum Rohra said...

I have one question too:

Are all Keralite women super sexy? I keep getting hits from searches about sexy hot Kerala ladeez!!

Anphy said...

I wish i answered like ds to my colleague who once declared that "kerala is the only place where ppl drink hot water"

:)

silverine said...

AP: Thank you :)

Goyal: Thanks buddy :) Will turn on full feed a little later.

bullshee: Glad that it hurt :p

SP: I guess we have both have had our fair share of the same :)

fleiger: A sample of a Pune rejoinder would have been delightful ;)

Amrita: Thank you dear :)

Iyer Education: Moi was the Answeree and a moron was the questioner :p

the rain tree : :))

francier: lol!!

kusum: About ze mallu ladeez and their super sexiness I guess you will have to ask the mallu men. I am straight ;)

anphy: Yay! At least they know that!!! :p

Fleiger said...

No point in any witticisms unless you can understand them, is there now?

There... that's a start :D

Kiran K S said...

I'd asked for a sequel for Kaalapaani and u came up with a prequel...!!! It's rockin' ,anyways... :-)

Sangfroid said...

Hilarious :-D

All I know bout Kerala is that the backwaters are enticing ... some FAQs on that please!!

btw, u've gotta nice blog :-)

Sreejith said...

well some of my knowledgeable northie friends even know that people in Kerala eat kappa and meen curry or appam and potato/chicken stew :) however most still believe we are the land of shakeela, that hippo in a human suit :(

claytonia vices said...

I wanted to say nice 'prequel' to kalapani but kiran already said that :).

AnneK said...

Hi,

GOK how I found your blog. It is hilarious. Thanks for the many laughs.

A fellow mallu -Annie

silverine said...

fleiger: Yes, guess that would go over their heads ;)

Kiran KS: Thanks buddy :)

sangfroid: Thank you :) FAQ on the backwaters? Don't tempt me :p

sreejith:"hippo in a human suit" That is best description of hers that I have heard!! LOL!!

claytonia vices : :p

anne K: Welcome to my blog and thanks for dropping by :)

TinTin said...

I love kerala. I love the sea.

http://tintin3.blogspot.com

*~ Mayth!!~* said...

Cliched but nevertheless...ROTFL!
Epecially the Kerala near Chennai part.
Lol..South Inida collapses to Chennai for many ppl upstairs ;)

Peace:)

Fleiger said...

Read a beautiful piece of conversation today, I am sure you will like it.

Teacher: If you are a genius, I am a monkey.
Student: Well put, sir.
(some time later)
Teacher: If you are a genius, I am an eel.
Student: Nicely argued, sir.

Crizzie Criz! said...

From one Keralite to another...

"Valare 'ousome' ketto!"

Great read and now, you are in the list!

cOOL_aLIEN_fRM_mARS said...

ROFL....:-))
Hope you dont mind me linking you :)

Anonymous said...

ROTFL!!!

one thing though. i dont know much about the north eastern states. can that be regarded as something similar as there are many ppl like me who dont know much about that region.
what say?

silverine said...

tintin: It is a beautiful place :)

mayth: Very true :p

fleiger: Lol!!! :))

crizzie: Thank you buddy and thanks for dropping in :)

CAFM: Thank you and thanks for linking me :)

Anon: Yes the NE is the same. People over there drink water and eat food just like the rest of us :p

Red Soul said...

most of them are human, rest r communists.... :O :O :O how blatant :D and u r soooo funny :)

Anonymous said...

facts about kerala
Highest litreacy in the country
" alcohol consumption "
suicide rates "
death due to aids"
highest in terms of cleanliness
highest number of expatriates
highest number of frauds
highest in terms of IQ.
highest number of coconut trees.

says.. Totto

Abhi(SHAKE) said...

Hi, Saw your blog.
Thought of asking a helping hand.
Actually, I'm planning to go with my friends for 7-8 days, need some guidance about the tour so dropping a comment.

Do mail in if interested 4 help:-
abhishek_dhokte@hotmail.com

Thanks.

scorpiogenius said...

I particularly liked the post script...

At least Kerala is not identified through its towns. Unlike in Mumbai where the city dwellers doesn't know where is Maharashtra.

Sindhu said...

That was simply superb!

nice one

Manu said...

great post...hilarious.. Love your writing.. almost laughed out loud many times..

Destiny's child... said...

I can't stop laughing at that...I was googling FAQ's on Kerala (after i ran out of my imaginative q's) for a site I am working on. A pop came your blog on the top of the list. It was not in the least bit helpful for the site i am writign for ....but...it did break the monotony...and i am..haha...still laughing at the Mohanlal thing....lol....:D

C Binoy said...

Loved your commie dig. It was awesome. All the rest are so ... REAL Mallu life. :)